A guy named Artie is arguing with his boss about possibly going to rehab. He says he’s already been, but that things are going so well that he hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. Unlike most heroin addicts, he’s actually begging his boss to do random drug tests and force him into rehab if he relapses. This heroin addict gets paid somewhere in the neighborhood of $100,000 for a night’s work. This heroin addict has a book on the New York Times bestseller list. This heroin addict is on one of the most successful radio shows in history this heroin addict is Artie Lange.
A Baby Gorilla is Born
Artie Lange is only a couple of years younger than I am, but by the time he joined the Howard Stern Show he already had more show business stories than most people have stories about their families. He had appeared on Mad TV, in motion pictures and on a regular television series with Norm McDonald. And he also had some major drug problems.
Artie came on the show once with Norm McDonald who kept telling Howard that he should talk to this young comic because he had a lot of great stories. Howard was so fascinated by Artie’s bizarre life that he ended up hiring Lange when his previous on-air sidekick Jackie Martling quit the show. Artie would throw out one-liners for himself rather than write them for Howard the way Jackie had. And at first he was somewhat deferential. Artie pretty much one along with everything. The day after 9/11 Artie struggled to make his way into the city and even brought breakfast for the crew when Howard said that there was no one there to make it for them.
But All Was Not Perfect
What while Artie seemed willing to go along with almost anything, he did have a breaking point. One of the first incidents that happened was when a young woman called in wanting to date Artie. She said that she liked heavy man, and Artie felt embarrassed that they had to find a woman with a fetish to give him a day. When the young woman, named Jen, came on she was nice enough but Artie didn’t really connect with her and even went so far as to be rude to her during the segment. She took it in stride and they did have a few laughs, but in the end there were too many complications for Lange.
One of the complications arose when Lange discovered that a comedian friend had encouraged the young woman to contact the show. Launching into an impromptu imitation of the conversation he imagined took place between the woman and his sleazy comedian friend, Lang created a hilarious monologue for several minutes punctuated with his signature growling voice and sarcasm-dripping wit.
The next day, based on some things Artie said on “The Wrap Up Show” – a show designed to be the Howard Stern show equivalent of a post game show – a fight ensued. While it was great radio, it was also clear that Lange’s relationship with Howard became a bit strained.
Two Major Fights
Then two more incidents saw Artie almost getting fired. The first was an on-air fight with super fan “Sal the Stockbroker” who had been hired on the show after another stern alumni had moved on. Sal insulted Lange because of a disagreement over how funny Sal was as a stand up comedian. Sal eventually began insulting Artie’s unsuccessful film “Beer League” sarcastically. Artie became so angry that he began throwing CD cases at Sal who had to run from the room to keep from being hit. Again, good radio, but things continued to be strained.
Even though the situation between Sal and Artie was eventually cleared up, another situation where it’s ugly head. Artie had an on-air fight with his assistant and actually got out of his chair after throwing a bottle of water at him, saying that he was going to kill them. The assistant was removed from the room quickly and Artie ended up having to apologize. But at the time it appeared that line that would leave the show feeling that he had crossed the line. Howard basically agreed that if he could not control himself he could not work there. But it was clear in Howard’s voice that he was brokenhearted.
The show went on a preplanned vacation for a couple of weeks after that. Fans wondered what would happen when the show resumed a couple of Monday’s later. As it turned out, Artie Lang was there on Monday laughing about the apologies he had had to make not only to his assistant but to the company (Sirius Satalight Radio) to keep his job.
Heroin
Somewhere in the midst of all this, Artie admitted a serious drug problem. Breaking down on the air he admitted that even though he had kicked his cocaine habit had started back around the time he worked on Mad TV, he had begun snorting heroin. Questions would arise anytime Artie was not at work. Long discussions on the show and the wrapup show would focus on whether or not Artie was using again.
Most recently during a two-week break for the holidays, Artie went into a detox center for his health and according to him he did not drink or do drugs. But even this is subject to controversy. As Artie himself says it – it all makes for great radio.
And the Saga Continues
So that is where the saga stands at the moment. A man who seems to have everything asks for help keeping his demons under control. His boss, a very hands-off authority figure, wonders if he should acquiesce and force drug testing on his young sidekick. Like many things in life it seems a never-ending story; A story that has no easy to read conclusion.
Artie Lange’s success continues to roll on. The money continues to roll in. And the continuing on-air soap opera moves forward.
More cynical listeners might be tempted to believe that the whole thing is scripted. That is entirely possible. But it seems too out of control. Not every moment in the saga has been a brilliant or funny one. There have been many boring moments, and many confusing moments as well as the more interesting and dramatic moments that fans tend to listen for. If this is being written, is being written very haphazardly. More likely the story is being written, but by each individual as he lives his life and weaves his tale into all the other tales that are a natural part of one of the best reality shows on radio – the Howard Stern Show.
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